Suffice it to say, there's a time and place for apples, it's just not Halloween.
The same can be said for our next selection ...
No. 2: Raisins
As if apples weren't insulting enough, some people even have the guts to give out raisins. Let that sink in for a minute: Raisins ... and in those little, tiny, hard to access boxes to boot.
You want kids to be healthy, and that's great -- just not tonight. Tonight is about sugar and high fructose corny syrup, and everyone gets that. Even that smelly old cat lady who gave out the Smarties is on board.
If nothing else, think about your own children. They have to ride the bus with the other kids, and no one is going to be forgiving about the raisins, so come Nov. 1, your kids will pay the price.
But, if you're weird enough to give out raisins, you probably do other weird stuff that your kids are already paying the price for.
The point is this: Raisins are horrible. Let the parents worry about their kids rotting teeth.
Of course, there is one thing worse than giving out raisins for Halloween ...
No. 1: Pennies
At least the preceding two entries (apples and raisins) are arguably still treats. They can be eaten. They still are terrible Halloween treats, but it's better than our No. 1: Pennies.
It would be different if kids were given bags willed with five dollars in pennies, but instead these Halloween treat offenders tape together five pennies and send us on our way. A whole nickel, huh? Gee, thanks.
We can't think of a faster way to get your house egged back to the Stone Age. At least the Halloween community largely ignores the people who turn off their porch light and don't recognize the holiday.
But when you give out pennies, well that's just an insult. Rather than take the pennies that you dug out of the couch or dumped from the change jar in your bedroom, why not take that money to the grocery store and buy a bag or two of Milky Ways? It's just safer for your yard.
Distributed by Internet Broadcasting. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.