COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. - While Colorado Springs may be on the brink of pricing out many of its residents, we've found five cities in the U.S. that you can live in for just a few hundred dollars a month.
A new list organized by HowMuch.net took a look at which cities have the most expensive and the least expensive mortgage payments, according to Zillow. The top of the list has usual offenders in California with $3,000-$4,000 mortgages.
But scroll all the way to the bottom and let's take a look at five towns with mortgage payments under $300 -- for a reason. Dropping three bills for a mortgage payment sounds wonderful, but you should know what you're getting into before you set up that U-haul deposit.
I've never been to any of these towns, but I assume the people who edited their Wikipedia pages have.
(Disclaimer: this is a satire to distract from the thought of buying a home in the Springs.)
No. 1 - Coffeyville, Kansas ($205 per month)
This picture shows the city doesn't care about hiding its similarity to Sleepy Hollow, and in fact, embraces it. The good thing about Coffeyville is that the road you can see going into the town also provides an escape route from the '80s-era slasher you'll inevitably run into after the foggy sunset.
No. 2 - Newport, Tennessee ($259 per month)
The fact that the default picture for Newport, Tennessee, is of a car crash gives me hope that Colorado Springs drivers aren't the worst drivers in the U.S. Newport does have a big ol' river nearby (in case you were wondering why landlocked Tennessee would even have a town called Newport) so maybe they're better helmsmen/women.
No. 3 - Union City, Tennessee ($283 per month)
The second spot in Tennessee to make the list -- Union City's brutalist courthouse looks straight out of the Soviet Union, but the town also ironically features landmarks dedicated to Confederate soldiers. Several manufacturers have set up shop in town over the past few decades, so make friends with your neighbors and you might not ever have to pay for a repair ever again.
No. 4 - Rockingham, North Carolina ($294 per month)
Rockingham is probably the nicest spot on this list, but it looks so sleepy that it's no wonder NASCAR discontinued racing there 15 years ago. But with a mortgage for $300 a month, you could finally finish that Plymouth project car you started with your dad all those years ago, take it up to Charlottesville, and try for that checkered flag. That'll show 'em.
No. 5 - Martin, Tennessee ($296 per month)
I can only assume Martin is so cheap because according to the picture above, all of its residents were raptured and the town's University of Tennessee satellite campus needs new janitors/professors. Heads up to tofu enthusiasts and alt-righters -- for opposing reasons -- the town plays host to the Tennessee Soybean Festival every September and features a football game, a beauty pageant, and street fair.
So there you have it, and in the words of every Colorado Springs driver with a 'Native' sticker speeding past me stopped a red light: "Get out of here!"